“When women are depressed they go shopping. Men invade other countries. It's a whole different way of thinking.”

- Elayne Boosler

I'm a bit shaky this morning folks. I have had an experience that will haunt my dreams for a long time to come.

Each year I like to make fun of those that wake up at 2 a.m. to make ready for the after-Thanksgiving sales. I used to mock their cups of coffee and their flyers in hand but this year, this year, I was knee deep in the fighting of the conflict of commerce.

And I survived -to warn the rest of you.

Guys, if a woman in your life tries to enlist the services of driving her to the store on Black Friday, or at anytime in the next four weeks for that matter, just say no. You're not being helpful; you're being drafted!

There was a calm before the storm as I put the car in park, and then, my friend's voice dropped several octaves and she said those fateful words: “Are you ready?” She had gone from falsetto to commando in the blink of an eye.

I stepped out of the car and saw what it truly was that I was up against.

What can be said? It was like the beaches of Normandy in the parking lot as the waves of minivans rolled up and out came the squadrons of housewives. Dressed in sweatpants and sneakers, there were platoons of purses all focused on their target and were prepared to drive those shopping carts like tanks through the aisles. Nothing would stop them in their quest for bargains.

My assignment was clear, My orders were to go to the toy aisle and secure a pink three-wheeled scooter. Unfortunately they have a new set of rules for these sales; instead of rushing the shelves you now have to stand in line to get a ticket to buy things. So there I was, in line, waiting, when I got the call. Not on the cell phone no, but the call of nature. Perhaps it was the two cups of coffee I needed to get my butt awake enough to come down there but at that moment I wasn't so much thinking about how I got the beverage in, but how I'd get it out. My problem was clear, once you're in line, there's no turning back.

I tried standing as still as I could and when that failed, I began bobbing and weaving. Those around me must have thought I was really excited about savings as I did my little dance of desperation. I tried to hide the panic my bladder was creating when out of the crowd my female foot soldier appeared holding, of all things, a Wii. The irony that she had what I needed to do was almost too much to handle but, she heroically took my place in line as I headed for the stalls.

When I returned she had the scooter and we both said at the same time “mission accomplished.”

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here each Sunday and he can be reached

at lovonian@hotmail.com