AUBURN - It comes as natural instinct to care for a wife, husband or parent who is no longer able to do everything he or she once could. But then illness sets in, care giving becomes a full-time job and Caregiver becomes the dominate role in life. Suddenly, there is nothing else to do but fight for tomorrow in a microcosm of illness.

“It gets very stifling,” said Suzanne Penird, whose husband, David, has had Alzheimer's disease for six years. “And you can't walk away.”

Penird was among dozens of caregivers who attended a workshop held Saturday by the Cayuga County Office of the Aging that invited medical professionals to offer advice and experience about behavior and stress management when caring for people with Alzheimer's disease and dementia.

“The communication part is huge,” said Dr. David K. Strickland, director of the Center for Behavioral Health at Auburn Memorial Hospital. Speech is the most obvious form of communication, but caregivers of people with memory loss who may lose their ability to speak must tap into emotion and physical action to understand, he said.

Essential to communication is understanding the perspective of someone with Alzheimer's disease or dementia. Agitation, stubbornness and violence, which can often be mischaracterized as simply poor behavior, is usually caused by the fear and confusion that people with memory loss deal with on a daily basis, he said.

A man Strickland was caring for once demanded that the clothes he had been dressed in did not belong to him. Rather than arguing that yes, those were indeed his slacks and shoes, Strickland told him, “Well, you look very nice in them.”

Along with the patience needed to cope with communication struggles and behavior problems, honesty is among the most valuable qualities of a caregiver, Strickland said.

The day came when Donna Riester's mother did not recognize her anymore. When she identified her daughter as a male relative, Riester did not correct her mother and tried not to show the hurt.

“And I love you very much,” is what Riester told her mother, which was true, regardless of who her mother thought was telling it to her.

Accepting that a mother, husband or sister is no longer able to identify the people closest to them is a painful process and is only one contributor to the stress of being a caregiver.

It is a 24-hour a day, seven days a week job with little relief. When Danielle Ryan, a family chiropractor who also spoke about stress relief, asked who among the group felt stress daily, nearly every hand raised.

“You need stress to a certain degree, to drive you,” she said. “You just don't want to let it control you.”

Stress left unchecked can lead to physical and emotional health problems, Ryan said. She demonstrated breathing techniques and stretches that could be used to unwind at the end of the day.

A problem that many caregivers encounter is focusing entirely on the person for whom they care and neglecting their own health, said Corinne Ryan, an aging specialist with the office for the aging.

“That job is 24/7,” she said. “If you're not healthy, you can't take care of anyone else.”

Penird cares for her husband all day, every day. Eventually, even little things can be frustrating, she said.

David paces. The other day he paced for five hours straight.

She crochets, cooks, chats on the phone to relax. But where frustration ends, the heartbreak begins. David is not the same as he used to be. His character is different and he does not remember like he used to.

“But he's my husband and I love him,” Penird said. “And when I say that, he'll say 'I love you, too.'”

Staff writer Sarah Gantz can be reached at 253-5311 ext. 237 or sarah.gantz@lee.net