“Dude looks like a lady!”

— Steven Tyler

It’s an odd moment in a man’s life when he finds himself surrounded by things he never anticipated and has to make choices that will ultimately effect his future without having knowledge to base his decisions on. This is the predicament I find myself in. For this week I have to become something I’m not while enjoying the company of people who are pretending to be what they aren’t as well.

Confused? Well not as much as I was when I headed to the health and beauty section to find out what foundation I needed to build my costume this year for Halloween. That’s right, folks. This masquerade season will find me in mascara, because I’m dressing to the nines and going in drag. Surprisingly, the decision was easy to make, for once I saw the prices for the pre-packed costumes I knew I’d have to get creative, because I’m not ready to spend more than 50 bucks on an outfit I’ll only wear once.

I figured I’d enlist the help of some female friends during my shopping spree so as to not draw stares as I walked into the fitting room with an inexpensive wedding dress. And I learned a valuable lesson for any man trying to thrift his way through Halloween, never bring women along if you’re going to shop for dresses because two things are going to happen. One, they will judge you the way they judge each other the minute you step out of the changing booth. And two, no man is truly prepared to hear the words “that dress makes you look fat.”

I ended up with a little beaded off the shoulder number that conveyed both innocence and raw masculine power that every man looks for in a dress. I even got the veil for half off, so at least I had the mindset, if not the body, to become a woman this year.

After the fitting room fashion show, it was time to get the finishing touches as we ventured to Wal-Mart to purchase cosmetics that would turn me from Bradley to Barbie.

Though I did appreciate the input from the ladies in my life, again, I probably should have gone this route alone because while I went in with the intention of getting just lipstick, my shopping cart was quickly becoming a cache of cosmetics. It’s surprising to know just how many additives it takes to look “naturally” beautiful.

I let my friends talk me into eyeliner, and even though I thought it was excessive, I decided on a light blue nail polish. I had to draw the line though when they picked up what looked to be something you’d castrate a sheep with. They said it was to curl my lashes, but after one look at that silver contraption, I decided that my lashes look just fine straight.

I’m not sure how I’ll look when this is over but, with my friends help I’ll end up looking beautiful in my wedding dress, and, after all, isn’t that every girls’ dream?

Auburn native Bradley Molloy’s column appears here each

Sunday. He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com