“The only difference between a pigeon and the American farmer today is that the pigeon can still make a deposit on a John Deere.”

- Jim Hightower

Happy Memorial Day, friends. This weekend is the time we show our respect to the brave men and women who paid the ultimate sacrifice for the freedoms we get to enjoy every day, and all joking aside, they deserve our admiration, so, without any pretense I say thank you.

This is also the official start of summer, so gentlemen start your engines. That's right, the time has come to get outside and mow the grass. I know some of you, myself included, may have taken out the mower and done a few passes but those were just rehearsals for “the show” that, as I said, kicks off today.

This is a time to get dirty, sweaty, grimy and oily. A time to earn a farmer's tan and a chance to use words that would get you spanked as child, but since you're a man, you're off the hook. In fact, according to the laws of man, you are actually expected to swear when that small engine doesn't turn over after the third try or any time a new dandelion appears amid your emerald isle.

In a nutshell, lawn care gives men the freedom to enjoy all the activities they love, but because we live in a polite society, rarely get to do. Keep in mind I don't mean to necessarily exclude women from this week's column, but you have to understand that you ladies have all sorts of options when it comes to making your landscape beautiful, what with your hair salons, your beauty parlors and spas. But for a real man, the only thing that gets manicured is his lawn.

When it comes to lawn care one would think the biggest debate among land owners is “push or ride,” but that's just novice thinking as every man who ever cut a blade of grass will tell you that in this argument - size matters. And I'm not talking about the lawn here but the tractor. Say what you will about rising gas prices and the auto industry but a guy doesn't care about the miles per gallon a mower gets as long as it looks big and powerful.

Something to keep in mind when purchasing a new lawn mower is not how fuel efficient it is but how many cup holders it has. If there isn't at least two then you're just not thinking big enough. Go to Lowe's sometime and stare at the new models and tell me which one did you sit on first? You don't have to answer because I already know you climbed on the biggest one there.

And I don't blame you one bit because nothing says “awesome” like a lawn tractor with a spoiler and a roll bar. Granted, some might think I'm being a bit melodramatic and I know that they'd have words for me but fortunately my new mower came with earphones so I can't hear them even if I wanted to.

Bradley Molloy's column appears here, each Sunday, in the Citizen. He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com