“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”

- George Burns

Stop me if you've heard this one. This little piggy went to the market; this little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef; this little piggy had none. And this little piggy stayed in bed because it had been coughing and wheezing all week because it caught the swine flu.

Here we go again. Just when you think it's safe to finally breathe a lungful of crisp spring air another “epidemic” is being unleashed upon us. The coverage on this is becoming pretty intense but it's to be expected. You see, at the moment, swine flu is sort of the Paris Hilton of communicable diseases; it doesn't really do much but it's fun to gawk at and everyone wants to feel like their special enough to be apart of the excitement.

And the way it's being presented by the medical paparazzi is a bit confusing. Every report says the same thing: “We don't want to start a panic, but we do need to take precautions.” It's announcements like that make people sick from worrying.

If you don't want to scare folks, then stop making it sound like people are dropping like flies from this new strain of virus. As I write this, in America, there has been only one documented case of someone dying from this “epidemic.”

To give you a little perspective on all this realize that according to medical research that by the time you're done reading my column 535 people will have died, and not from the flu but from everything else that's out to get us; heart attack, cancer, strokes, car accidents, though I'm happy to report that no one will actually die from embarrassment.

Aside from all the glitz and attention this new outbreak is causing I just have to marvel at the information being put out there to insure our safety.

You tell me, how does one actually go about being vigilant when what you're looking out for is microscopic? There are the old standby precautions, of course, that would seem fairly obvious to most: cover your mouth when you cough, wash your hands, stay home if you're running a fever.

All of it sound advise, but have you seen the news footage of people in Asia wearing surgical masks to work? I mean, I'll go along with it if it'll help, but I think playing doctor while on the clock sort of defeats the purpose of all those sexual harassment videos they make me watch.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for performing my civic duty I just never thought being health conscious could have such interesting side effects.

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here,

each Sunday, in The Citizen.

He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com