“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”

- Garrison Keillor

Stick a fork in me, because I'm done.

What is this, two years in a row that I've gotten my Christmas shopping completed before the cutoff date? It's been a blur of spending, and an endurance course with a credit card.

I'm not saying I'm some kind of superman but hey, they gave Michael Phelps a gold medal and all he did was swim across a pool. He didn't have to deal with gray-haired grannies or soccer moms on a mission. Though on second thought, he did achieve his goals wearing only a Speedo, which, I, myself was not prepared to do during my mall marathon as it was a bit chilly outside.

But, still, two years running?

Not too shabby. I made out the list and even checked it twice. I didn't care if you were naughty or nice. No, this year I just wanted to make sure I didn't miss anybody. Believe me there is nothing worse than finding out you forgot someone, especially when they gave you something last year. (Thanks again for the socks!)

So now that the stockings are hung and the gifts are under the tree, does this mean I get to relax and enjoy myself? Don't be mistaken, the fun is only beginning.

You see, dealing with strangers is just a warm-up for the upcoming week because now I get to spend “quality” time with friends and family.

With that in mind there are a few wishes I'd like granted before I even start opening any presents.

Now, usually people wish for things they want. Me, I'm wishing to go without.

First up? Eggnog. I don't know whose bright idea this came from but what better way to promote peace on Earth than to take a bunch of people who know exactly how to push each others buttons and get 'em liquored up. You'll know if I'm talking about your family if your holiday cheer is “Duck!”

Another little item I don't really care for is the candy cane. I ask you, has anyone ever really finished one of these things?

Sure you start out strong, but by the time you get to the curve you kind of lose interest. Do me a favor this year, just hand out Tic-Tacs, You'll still get the “minty” rush without all the hassle.

This leaves us with the ever popular mistletoe. First of all, it's misleading; I mean if hanging a plant over your door would get girls to kiss you I would have taken up horticulture in college. Also, you never get caught by the right person either. I could just be passing though the doorway and all of a sudden I've got Aunt Rudy dive bombing me like some kind of kissing kamikaze.

Now if I was going to be stopping by Angelina Jolie's house then it would be a whole different story.

Maybe then I wouldn't mind a little foliage on the threshold.

Perhaps I'll ask Santa for that next Christmas.

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here, each

Sunday, in The Citizen.

He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com