“There are no stupid questions; but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.”

- Larry Kersten

Back story here. For the past few weeks I've been having to do a bit of training for my new job, and occasionally I'll hit a mental road block and have to ask for help. Now, because I don't want to irritate the person teaching me, I'll usually preface my inquiry with “This might sound like a stupid question, but ...” and, without fail, the other person will quickly come out with the eternal reply of, “There are no stupid questions.”

I never know how to respond to that type of positive re-enforcement because it just seems that, by my unscientific calculations, people have been walking around this planet for a few thousand years. And in that time we've definitely had our share of stupid ideas and people; not all of them just coming from Washington either. And it just strikes me as unusual that we as a society would limit ourselves to the possibility that all questions have merit. So with this in mind, I have put myself to the test of stretching our boundaries into the absurd.

Now, let me ask you this:

• Why do barbers always ask, “What can I do for you?” when you go into the shop?

• Do you have to think really hard when making orange juice from a concentrate?

• If you are a vegetarian and your friend invites you on a hunting trip do you bring a gun with you or do you just pack a Salad Shooter?

• Why is there a picture of a child running on traffic signs that read “Slow Children”?

• Can cats be allergic to humans?

• What do you put that blue recycling bin into if you want to throw it away?

• If health insurance keeps you healthy and fire insurance keeps you protected, does death insurance kill you?

• If God were to sneeze, what would be the polite thing to respond with?

• If “ashes to ashes and dust to dust” is a religious belief, then am I an atheist for owning a vacuum cleaner?

• Why do airline stewardesses show you where the exits are? Is someone going to walk out during the flight if they really don't like the movie?

• Why is blue cheese so expensive but moldy bread we just throw away?

• If you take Visine during the red-eye flight do you land OK?

• Why do beds come in king and queen sizes but not in prince or princess versions?

• If you're chewing on an Everlasting Gobstopper, how do you know when to stop?

• If alcohol is illegal in prison, why are there so many bars there?

So there you have it. Mission accomplished. Maybe the scales are even now. So just keep this list handy and you too will be prepared for the next time someone says to you that there are no stupid questions because, then, you'll be ready to show how smart you are by proving them wrong.

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here, each Sunday, in The Citizen.

He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com