“Where there is no imagination there is no horror.”

- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

I'm getting medieval this week. I have a knife in my hand and am about to try and carve out a niche for myself in the Halloween jack-o'-lantern market.

I go about this the same each year. I get in the car and drive down Route 20 and start looking for the orange rows laying in the front lawns of people's houses. I'll stop at about a dozen different amateur stands to find that one pumpkin that will define me. I'm on the hunt for one that is not too big, not too small, with a sort of flat front and an even sheen to it.

Oh yes, I'll get really specific when it comes to my pumpkin selection. Which might seem odd because I went apple picking and thought nothing of just picking one up from the ground and snacking on it right then and there. I feel that the “five second rule” really only applies to the kitchen. When you are in an orchard then you can change it up to a “farm league” rule. That being, if I can clean it by rubbing it on my shirt, then it's good to go. I tried applying this principle to poultry, but the chickens flapped too much. So my advice is that you should stick with just fruit on this one.

So there I was walking around a gathering of fine specimens when I saw it. It was love at first sight. The smooth skin, and proud features, and I, I grabbed that pumpkin with both hands, paid my $5 and carried it proudly to the car.

The irony with pumpkins is that you treat them like newborn babes as you settle them into the back seat and then gently carry them to the dining room table; only to start mangling them as soon as they are washed off.

To be certain, there are several ways to go about the gutting. Some folks will just turn the pumpkin over, slapping it like a ketchup bottle and hope all the seeds and strings just fall out. Trust me this will do nothing to dislodge that sticky mess. Sometimes you just have to get dirty in order to have a good time. So just reach in and enjoy!

Once you've hollowed everything out you now must decide about the face.

I realize that a lot of us try to get all creative but let's face facts; unless your name is Michael Angelo, you're pretty much stuck with the basics. Two triangles for eyes, maybe a nose, and a mouth that would make even a dentist cringe. Just stick a candle in that gourd and you're all set.

Now some of you might think it quaint to gather all the seeds and bake them; don't. Just because Martha Stewart showed you how, doesn't mean you need to create a new snack food. If you're that hungry, then go buy a bag of chips, wait till it gets dark and enjoy the soft glow of your creepy creation.

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here,

each Sunday, in The Citizen.

He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com