“Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive.”

- Albert Hubbard

From time to time people have asked me to write about the more “popular” issues facing America today.

They want to know if I'm blind to what's happening out in the real world.

But, fear not, I read and watch the news every day. So, yes, I'm aware of what's going on.

This week I'll just shoot straight from the hip and let fly with how I see the world.

My first issue to tackle? Same-sex marriage.

I usually eat my breakfasts at the diner. While there, I'll listen to the older gentlemen talk about life. From what I gather from their conversations, after about 10 or so years of marriage same-sex is pretty much what you have to look forward to.

Sure, I'm just poking fun, but believe me, it's not that I'm naive; I just don't care.

What goes on in your own house is your business and the only time I should take any interest in what's behind your closed doors is when you invite me over to show off how wonderfully you've redecorated the dining room.

Too many people treat homosexuality as though it was a disease and they might catch it.

Now I'm going to wax poetic about “the war.”

Am I scared? Not really. I'm pretty certain that al Qaeda isn't plotting to take out my Escort any time soon. The way the engine is knocking, I think it will blow up all by itself.

No, I'm more worried about the land mines my neighbors dog's been leaving in my yard. Soldiers in Iraq have I.E.Ds to contend with. Me, I have a schnauzer living next door with a bladder control problem.

Then there is global warming.

Simply put, if it means that I won't have to shovel three feet of snow to get into my car, I'm all for it. After all, checking out girls in skimpy bikinis is a seasonal hobby of mine and soon I will be able to enjoy it all year long.

Which brings me to my last issue: the overweight problem we have in America.

Sure, some people have medical problems that lead to obesity, but Americans certainly eat more than their fair share of junk food, too.

For most of us, putting on excess weight simply means that it's time to put the doughnut down.

So, if you've learned anything from this, I hope that it's never to ask me for my opinion; I just might tell you.

Auburn Native Bradley Molloy's column appears here, each

Sunday, in The Citizen.

He can be reached at

lovonian@hotmail.com