“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more.”

- Walter Matthau

Good morning, and how are you feeling today?

I hope you were able to answer that everything is going well for you, but don't be fooled that feeling perfectly healthy doesn't mean that you shouldn't be medicated.

Turn on the television; switch to just about any channel, and within minutes you will be convinced that there is something seriously wrong with you. Maybe it's your back. Do your eyelashes itch? Do your ears flutter for no apparent reason? Do you find yourself sweating when you swim? Have no fear because the modern medical system has a drug for you.

Back in the day there were people that went from town to town selling what was commonly known as “snake oil.” The snake oil salesmen would shout from their trailers of the wonderful and exotic items that they had for sale that, when used, would cure the masses of troubles ranging from headaches, coughs, or just about anything that could be diagnosed. Evidently those men of enterprise have taken their wares to the networks because now the advertising never stops. And we must be buying into the idea because while driving through the city you'll start to notice that there are now more drugstores than there are fast food restaurants.

My annoyance wouldn't be as bad as it is if the doctors and pharmaceutical companies could at least make the names sound somewhat scientific. It's like they aren't even trying anymore; just as long as sales are up your health will go down.

For example I give you the following list containing names of diseases that can ruin your day. All of them are real; except one. Can you spot the fake?

Restless Leg syndrome

Hoola-hoop Intestine

Uncombable Hair Syndrome

Jumping Frenchmen of Maine Disorder

Exploding Head Syndrome

ABCD Disease

Twitchy Eyes

Elephantitis

Boogie Fever

Carney Complex

Blue Skin Disorder

Werewolf Syndrome

See what I mean? Strange stuff. But don't worry if you're feeling left out by not having any problems because not having a symptom doesn't mean that you can't be one of the many who take a placebo. That's right, you can be prescribed a drug that is nothing but sugar. I remember when I was a little boy playing doctor that I would often suggest M&Ms to my patients. Who knew I could have actually become rich by doing this.

Granted, some people have serious conditions and medication is a major part of their treatment, but, let's face it, some people have been fooled into thinking instead of just having a bad day that something has to be wrong with them.

I think I should stop typing now because after all that research I'm starting to get a headache.

(Answer: Boogie Fever. Although, technically, this isn't a disease, it still affected many people in the 1970's.)

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here,

each Sunday, in The Citizen.

He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com