“I have a rock garden, and last week, three of them died.”

- Richard Diran

Well, the cold months of winter are about to depart and soon we will have the warmer days of April to look forward to. Generally, I don't even notice what the date is, but this month, I really need to keep track of the calendar a little closer than normal because not only do we have April Fools Day on April 1, but Earth Day in April 22. These are two holidays that you really don't want to get confused because, obviously, someone wasn't paying attention last year and placed a whoopee cushion under the polar ice caps and the scientists spent a long and awkward afternoon trying to figure out where the noise came from. (Interestingly enough, they eventually wrote a paper describing how global warming is actually causing the Earth to spontaneously release natural gas. Go figure.)

With the two holidays near each other, as they are, I have a few questions that I need someone of brighter intelligence to answer for me. For instance, how exactly do you recycle fake dog poop? Does it go into the compost heap or do you throw it in the blue plastics bin? Also, should the chance to use a rubber chicken arise, should the chicken come from a free range organic rubber chicken farm or can I just pick one up at the store? Think about it.

The fact that we celebrate April Fools Day sort of makes sense to me because most of the year, people take things so seriously, it's nice to have a day of merriment and silly pranks. It's one of those holidays that let you really mess with your friends' heads and they don't get too mad about it. So go ahead and put a tack on someone's chair; fill the sugar container with salt; switch all the keys on your co-workers keyboard, then tell them they have a report due in just a few minutes. Whatever you do, enjoy yourself because life doesn't always have to be so critical. This I understand.

What I don't get is Earth Day. This holiday is kind of pointless to me. It's not as though we have a whole lot of options available. I'm sure this holiday was thought up by a bunch of overly happy people who just get excited about being allowed outside. I can only imagine how giddy they must get on a “snow day.”

In my opinion, I think they should have placed the holiday in say - August - when you actually want to be outside. Plus, August is the only month that has no major holiday, which just doesn't seem fair.

Also April 22 can still be a bit chilly, so how am I suppose to enjoy my Earth Day cake, when all the while I'm going to be wishing I was inside?

Now I don't mean to make a fool out of the Earth but, come on, it's a big planet and I think it can take a joke.

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here, each Sunday, in The Citizen. He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com