“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”

- Anonymous

Ford, Dodge, Plymouth and Chevy, these words mean little to some; everything to others. To me, these are just some of the names of vehicles that I have driven, taken care of and owned. I put the relationships men have to their cars in the same category as that of the relationships we have with women.

Think I'm going too far, well just look at the facts; we spend a whole lot of money on them, we're happy when they work and, of course, the break-ups or at least break-downs tear us apart every time. Probably the biggest difference in the two, besides only one comes with a muffler, is that with women you usually can see where the relationship is going no matter if your in the driver's seat or not. Trust men no man ever is!

But with cars, you never get any guarantees as to how many miles are left. Rule No. 1: No matter how pretty the body is it can still be high maintenance; that goes for cars, as well. It's a lesson that, even though I've heard 1,000 times, I never personally learned from.

You see, what I thought was just a bumpy ride is, in fact, a trial separation for us. No, not me and my girlfriend, I'm talking about the car here. Maybe I should have paid attention to the signs or at least the “check engine light” that had been glowing for, oh, I don't know, the past four months or so. So like a fool in love I hand over the keys and hope to fix whatever problems I have caused in my ignorance. (Why doesn't my car just except flowers and candy like Honey does? I guess buying “bling” only works with girls.)

Now it might bug me that I have to write another check but this has brought me to mold both loves of woman and car into one. You see while my little ride is being worked on I get to rent a new car, and not just any new car, but this one comes with GPS.� Not impressed? Well, did I fail to mention that this particular GPS system has a “female” voice installed in it. See, I told you cars can be just like women and this week I not only get to prove my point but my point will actually be talking back.

How do I feel about this? I'm not quite sure. While I do enjoy the fact that I get clear directions where ever I go with Daisy (yeah, I named the car), I get freaked out that, while I'm driving around, her voice comes out of no where and offers directions without being asked.

To be honest I can't wait till my old car is fixed because during a joyride my girlfriend told me to make a right, and Daisy instinctively said go left.

If I've learned anything it is this; never have more than one woman in your life at a time, because the consequences can drive you crazy.

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here, each

Sunday, in The Citizen. He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com