“Chicks dig scars.#”

- Shane Falco (Keanu Reeves, “The Replacements”)

We went ice skating! That's how I#'m starting this week's opening into the absurd, because one wouldn#'t think that such a simple statement would really lend itself to an entire topic, oh, but it does. There's obviously more to this than just a four word sentence; so sit back and enjoy your coffee while I demonstrate to you the true reason why women live longer than men. It has to do with something that most people know commonly as the male ego. I don#'t know why but when it comes to trying to impress women there are few lengths men won#'t go to to “showoff#” for our lady loves.

As a prime example of this, I figured my girlfriend and I needed to get out of our movie-watching rut and decided that it would be “fun” to try and enjoy this winter weather by going ice skating. No big deal right? Well, all was fine and dandy until some little ten-year-old, Chrissy Namaguchi, wanted to be darted past us and proceeded to flip, spin, and otherwise defy the laws of both gravity and physics, all the while smiling like a demon. (I hate when they do that.) So my sweetie asks coyly #”Can you do that?”

Now you have to understand that when given the chance to bail out of personal injury and embarrassment most people (women that is) would just say no, but, being a guy, I have to not only say sure but then I have to throw caution to the wind and start going as fast as I can, and hope for the best.

I could see it in slow motion; my skates gliding along with precision as my arms pumped in anticipation. I found my spot and with the grace of a swan I lifted myself into the air. I felt my body turn. The arena just a blur, and then logic decided that I needed to learn a lesson in physical discomfort. My feet landed on the ice; just not going in the same direction, and like the wishbone after a turkey dinner I soon realized that I am not all that flexible, and needless to say that although my spin might have been flawless, my landing was, how shall I put this, without grace. So there I was, gripping what was left of my pride and trying my best to act like I meant to fall. To top it off, the ten year old just keeps flying around the rink like a hurricane.

When we got home I was given an ice pack to calm the bruising, but to me that just seemed like revisiting the scene of the crime.

Now you might be thinking that I have no one to blame but myself for turning what used to be a baritone into a falsetto, and you'd be right.

After all these years I should have learned to be able to just suck it up and avoid catastrophe, but #- what kind of man would I be then?

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here, each Sunay, in The Citizen. He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com