Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

- Henry Louis Mencken

I need to relax. I need to breathe. I feel like David on his way to meet Goliath. Too melodramatic? I think not!

You see, in a few short days, the time will come for men across the land to stand up to the chocolate-coated juggernaut that is Valentine's Day. It's a stressful time. This is not just another notch on the calendar but a day that will set the precedence for the romantic year ahead.

And, just like our hero David, the joy of victory will usually only come in the form of a well-chosen rock. I'm the type of guy that is usually so whipped that there is no hoop I'm not willing to jump through, but, I have managed to dodge quite a few rings. In fact the only time my mind drifts toward anything to do with a carat it is usually in the produce section of the grocery store.

The way I see it Valentine's Day is sort of like Halloween in so much as it is a time for men to play dress-up. There will be no vampires or Frankenstein's monster here, no, we have to really stretch ourselves and transform from average, lazy, belching slobs into a fresh-breathed Prince Charming.

For love's sake we play along and forgo our ripped jeans and sweaters to put on khakis and a “clean” white shirt and a tie.

Of course we then make reservations, buy candy and find a cute gift to top off the night.

And are we done yet? Nope, we still have to get roses and not just one, but 12. And yes, they will be counted. (Note to men: don't even think of getting carnations, this isn't the prom, just suck it up and shell out the extra bucks for the full bouquet.)

The underlying truth about this holiday is that women don't really care what we do as long as we do something.

In the end women are only hoping for one thing which of course is bragging rights. When they go to work the next day and divide into their sister packs they want to have a tale to tell all their friends about what a great guy they have.

It's sort of like the fairy tale of the frog and the princess and they just want proof that they are kissing the right toad.

So let's see. Flowers? Check. Roses? Check. Reservations? Got it. Now what about the gift? At a loss, I drop my eyes and gently ask “What would you like for Valentine's Day?” And with a poker-face smile she looks at me and says “Honey, you're all I need.” Gentlemen, be warned. If you fall for this sentimental set-up and only present her with nothing but you wrapped in a bow, don't be surprised when the fairy tale doesn't end with a happily ever after.

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here, each

Sunday, in The Citizen. He can

be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com