Ah love. Valentine's Day is coming and thoughts turn to the joy of love, the heartbreak of love or the lack of love in our lives.

In my work as educator for SAVAR of Cayuga Counseling Services, I sometimes have the opportunity to talk to young people in middle and high school about love and relationships. I ask them to think about what qualities they would look for in a partner. Students tell me that they would want someone who would show them respect. They want to be with someone who will laugh with them and enjoy being with them. They are looking for someone whom they can respect and who will care about them.

Then we discuss what makes a good relationship where love can be nurtured and grow. To understand the qualities of a good relationship, we often compare bad relationships with the good. It seems to be easy for them to determine what is bad because many of them have witnessed or been part of relationships that are negative.

They talk of relationships where one person puts the other down or has to always be in charge. These are often relationships where one person shows their jealous nature and claims that the jealousy is a symptom of their being so “in love.” We discuss the fact that jealousy is simply a factor of one person feeling the need for “ownership and control” of another as well as a lack of trust.

These young people in our discussions often state that they have friends who are “stuck” in this type of relationship, where they aren't valued or respected. I see teens slinking down in their seats as they realize that their friends are referring to them. Sometimes they speak up and say that they have tried to get out of the relationship, but it is too hard and that they don't want to be alone. Imagine feeling as a teenager that you can't leave a relationship that is harmful to you.

Friends of teens in those types of relationships express frustration, saying that their friend deserves better.

We know that a relationship where one person is devalued and made to feel inferior is toxic to that person. If someone gives you the message over and over that you are stupid and worthless, that message starts to sink in and cause damage to the ego. It is hard for these young people to believe that anyone else could care for them or want to be with them.

Yet, these students do know what a positive and healthy relationship looks like. During our discussion, all agree that everyone deserves to have positive feelings about themselves.

I think that a good lesson about love for all of us is that self-love and self-respect must come first. Our primary relationship, after all, is with ourselves. Maybe we need to send ourselves a valentine stating that we love who we are.

We deserve respect and we are responsible to make sure that we have happiness, self-fulfillment and joy in our lives. Who knows better what brings us happiness and joy than we do? We can all have love in our lives and that love can start within. It's amazing how what starts from within cannot be contained and spreads out to reach others. This Valentine's Day, be good to yourself. Give a gift to the most precious person in your life, yourself.

Rosa Grube is an education coordinator for SAVAR of Cayuga Counseling Services.