“It's not the tragedies that kill us, it's the messes.”

- Dorothy Parker

I'm feeling a tad jittery lately.

One minute I'm being pulled to the right, the next, I'm flown to the left and all the while I'm bouncing all over the place. It might have something to do with the triple expressos I've been drinking in the morning, but I think it has more to do with the fact that I have to drive up East Genesee street for my daily commute. I don't mean to complain but here are so many bumps in the road every time I try to go down the street the radio skips.

It's from my jolted radio that I learned of an important news bulletin happening in the world this week. Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and Brittany Spears are all taking a back seat to this latest in feminine scandal.

It seems there's some funny business going down at the toy factory. This week they recalled not just Barbies but also G. I. Joe and the Batman dolls.

Now I'm under the impression that there were some sort of shenanigans going on last week and someone caught something from someone else. They call it lead, but that just sounds to me like typical spin control and the downplaying of what really happened.

They way I imagine it is simple. It probably started all innocent, of course. A day spent having fun at the Malibu pool and play set, a ride in the Batmobile and then a nightcap in the batcave. The next thing you know things go too far and now we have this “lead” story. Of course Barbie and Bruce Wayne will just go back to the factory and get cleansed, but what about G. I. Joe?

Where does he go off to, the V.A? As with most Hollywood dirt there is always an outcast and in this love triangle it has to be Ken. This guy can't catch a break no matter what happens. He's so squeaky clean that he makes the Smurfs look like a biker gang.

OK, back to reality. I make fun of all this “breaking news” but don't get me wrong, I really don't want to see any kids getting hurt from poisoning but I have to just say that this was never an issue when I was growing up.

When I was little the only way you were going to get lead poisoning is if you ate paint chips. Well I don't know about you but I found Doritos to be a much better snack food than Glidden, Besides us Molloy boys had a more direct approach when it came to losing brain cells from a plaything.

Ever heard of the Wiffle ball bat? Well you might think that that little yellow plastic sporting good couldn't possible bring much harm to anyone but put it into the hands of any of my brothers, give them some free time and mayhem would ultimately ensue.

A few whacks from that thing and I guarantee you'd be seeing stars.

To this day I'm still having flashbacks.

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here, each

Sunday, in The Citizen.

He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com