“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.#”

- Fran Leibowitz

I don't know when, I don't know why, but at some point having a simple meal has turned into a game of Russian roulette.

It seems every week there is a new threat or deadly ingredient added to the traditional comfort foods we all enjoy. It's almost as though Dr. Kevorkian has decided to change his medical focus and become a nutritionist.

The big wave was the dreaded “Mad Cow” disease.

Call me naive, but I didn't even know they were that upset.

I mean just take a drive through the countryside sometime and stare at a cow and you tell me - does it look like it's mad? Do they appear like they are about to snap at any minute?

I could be wrong and they all might be plotting against us as they walk the fields chewing their cud.

Like I said, I don't know, because they never really say much and that, my friends, is the first clue.

It's always the quiet ones that go postal, or as the cows put it: “pasture.”

The only other possible reason behind all this insanity is that ole' MacDonald must have rubbed the udder the wrong way when he decided to start injecting them with hormones.

It wouldn't take a genius to know that this was a bad idea, now steroids I could understand; bigger muscles equal bigger steaks, but hormones? That just leads to P.M.S., and that's no good for anyone.

At least I can still enjoy some chicken. Now before you get all up in arms about the whole bird flu epidemic, relax.

I have taken the proactive approach to this one and decided to raise my own meal.

I should have no worries because the way I see it they are totally organic. They came from eggs after all, and nothing says “free range” more than access to my remote control.

Granted they might leave feathers all over the couch, but if anyone asks I just say I was having a pillow fight and lost.

I'm sure you're wondering how does this grant me freedom from the dreaded bird flu, and the answer is quite simple. I feed them nothing but whole grains and NyQuil. The only side effect so far is that after a big meal I get really, really sleepy.

I've just been pretending that every dinner is Thanksgiving, so it's all good.

Even fish are starting to get a bad rap with this whole VHS thing, but I switched to DVD a long time ago, so I don't foresee any problems there.

You know when things are getting out of hand when even the salad bar is striking back.

Though ask any 6-year-old and they'll tell you that spinach is deadly; even before the headlines.

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here,

each Sunday, in The Citizen.

He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com