ByLinda Ober / The Citizen
SKANEATELES - Their stories were different, their approaches varied. But all of the speakers had essentially the same message: It's time for parents to stop sweeping the problem of teen drug and alcohol abuse under the rug.
“I looked the other way a lot ... I'd do everything different to have one more day,” Marc Angelillo said, his voice breaking. Angelillo's son, Matthew, a 17-year-old student at Skaneateles High School, was killed in a drunk-driving crash in June 2004.
Angelillo and his wife Marianne, along with Skaneateles native Matt McGlynn and Skaneateles High School football and weightlifting coach Nick Fedchenko, shared stories of their grief and struggles recently at the First Presbyterian Church in “A Consequence of No Consequences.” Several dozen teenagers and their parents attended the program, a community forum presented by Parents and Teachers and Community Together (PACT).
The goal for the night, Marianne Angelillo explained, was to have the panel members share their life experiences in the hopes that it would provide education and encouragement for students, parents and the community at large to change the way that underage drug and alcohol abuse are handled in Skaneateles.
“We don't want you to have to experience our consequences,” she said.
The following are the personal stories of the unfortunate ways in which drugs and alcohol have affected their lives.
Nick Fedchenko
Many of Nick Fedchenko's memories relate to his father, an alcoholic who “lived his life by the bottle” and “drank his life away.” He was a good man, Fedchenko said, but was trapped by a troubled life.
Still, he didn't want the same for his son - three days after his father saw him partying and drinking at college, Fedchenko found himself in the military.
A few years later, his father, then 52, died of a massive stroke. Fedchenko was the one to discover his lifeless body
“In all honesty, I felt relief. I was relieved that it was finally over,” he recalled.
Three years later, after his childhood best friend died at the age of 25 when his liver gave out from years of alcohol abuse, Fedchenko quit drinking altogether.
Fedchenko stressed to parents the need to be upfront and honest with their children about their own pasts, to verify their teens' locations and to be there for them when mistakes are made. His own mother, he recalled, was willing to pick him up if he called her after a night of drinking.
“She knew that I wasn't innocent, but she wanted her son home alive,” he said, noting that consequences were enforced the next day. “It wasn't a free pass, but the free pass was you got home alive.”
To the teens in the room, he explained the terrifying consequences that one night of bad choices can have.
“Maybe one day it's going to end in DWI, maybe one day it's going to end in death. It's a lottery; it's a lottery of death,” he said.
Matt McGlynn
Matt McGlynn was just 14 years old when he began drinking. By the time he was a junior at Skaneateles High School, his imbibing was no longer limited to the weekends.
At the age of 28, realizing that he was an “out-of-control alcoholic” who was wasting his potential, McGlynn checked himself into rehab because of his alcohol and drug abuse.
“I would have been just the walking dead until I actually died,” he said.
McGlynn, now 37, said that he hasn't yet seen change occur in the Skaneateles community, as many parents still hide situations that would put their child in a bad light or result in academic or athletic disciplinary action. He is not looking to judge parents and is not an expert on the subject, but the reality is that some parents do not want to admit to themselves that other children or their own children are drinking or doing drugs, he said.
Students, he said, need to start spreading the message that it isn't cool to drink. And parents must begin to enforce consequences, because teens know how to get around the rules.
“We can't accept the unacceptable any longer. As a parent, are you going to really put the hammer down when you have to?” he asked, adding that parents should start policing each other as well, reporting underage parties. “Change can happen. I think that there's got to be a new normal.”
McGlynn, who now has a good job, wife and two daughters, recognizes that as a recovering alcoholic, his struggle with sobriety is a daily occurrence.
And he doesn't regret being an alcoholic. It's made him the man he is today, he said, and fighting alcoholism has also given him the strength to deal with cancer, as he underwent surgery for a brain tumor 18 months ago.
He also realizes how lucky he is to still be alive.
“I could have been Matt Angelillo; so could a lot of my friends,” he said, noting that five of his six close friends growing up have also been to rehab.
Marianne Angelillo
Marianne Angelillo had big plans for her son, Matthew. Those plans were shattered on June 19, 2004, when Matthew was killed in a drunk-driving crash on Route 20. Steven Corsello, Matthew's friend since the third grade, was the one driving the car.
Though Matthew will never be an active member of the Air Force or get married, Marianne believes that her vivacious, athletic and intelligent son has a new purpose.
“He still can make a huge impact on this world if his story is told,” said Marianne, who has spoken to thousands of teens in the region to alert them to the dangers of alcohol. “He is still saving lives, even though I may never know which ones.”
June 19, 2004, was a wake-up call to the Skaneateles community, but there is still a mindset out there that needs to be changed, Marianne said.
She said that underage drinking is not OK, and any parent who thinks that there is such a thing as safe underage drinking is being just as naive as she and her husband once were. The lack of consequences and communication between adults, educators and peers enables the risky behavior of teenagers, she added.
“Parents need to learn that they need to be parents first and not best friends,” Marianne said, noting that it's important to allow children to learn from their mistakes and that parents can no longer hide behind the excuse of “we did it when we were young.”
Marianne stressed that there are also many more legal concerns for both parents and children that weren't there in the past. Adults can be arrested for hosting parties at which there is underage drinking, and teens who have been arrested for alcohol- or drug-related offenses can jeopardize their future careers.
And worse, if you should harm yourself or take someone else's life, she said, “There is no way to ever wake up from the nightmare and reverse the consequences.”
Marc Angelillo
Marc Angelillo believes that the country is at tipping point in terms of underage alcohol abuse.
“The country is saying we're not going to take it anymore,” Angelillo said, noting such things as longer jail sentences for DWI offenses.
Yet in order to complete the change, both parents and students must take on certain responsibilities, Angelillo said.
One of those responsibilities concerns the idea of a designated driver. In the past, Angelillo said, the “DD” was considered the person who drank the least. Parents must change this definition to the person who didn't drink at all, and their children should remind them of this, he said.
Angelillo also talked of peer pressure and its existence for both children and adults. Before Matthew's death, he said, he was a social drinker who would put back a few at a gathering with friends.
“We disguised it under the premise that we're adults and we're allowed to drink,” Angelillo said, but even adults don't really know how much they can handle. It's a roll of the dice every time you get behind the wheel, he added.
Angelillo has completely given up drinking socially and occasionally has a glass of red wine with dinner, as long as he is not driving anywhere. He made the decision to change his drinking habits a few weeks after Matthew's death.
Angelillo congratulated the teens in the audience for the measures they have already employed, things like taking away a drunk friend's keys or driving a friend under the influence home safely.
“You're the unsung heroes of your generation, and you'll never be recognized for any of that,” he said.
“I looked the other way a lot ... I'd do everything different to have one more day,” Marc Angelillo said, his voice breaking. Angelillo's son, Matthew, a 17-year-old student at Skaneateles High School, was killed in a drunk-driving crash in June 2004.
Angelillo and his wife Marianne, along with Skaneateles native Matt McGlynn and Skaneateles High School football and weightlifting coach Nick Fedchenko, shared stories of their grief and struggles recently at the First Presbyterian Church in “A Consequence of No Consequences.” Several dozen teenagers and their parents attended the program, a community forum presented by Parents and Teachers and Community Together (PACT).
The goal for the night, Marianne Angelillo explained, was to have the panel members share their life experiences in the hopes that it would provide education and encouragement for students, parents and the community at large to change the way that underage drug and alcohol abuse are handled in Skaneateles.
“We don't want you to have to experience our consequences,” she said.
The following are the personal stories of the unfortunate ways in which drugs and alcohol have affected their lives.
Nick Fedchenko
Many of Nick Fedchenko's memories relate to his father, an alcoholic who “lived his life by the bottle” and “drank his life away.” He was a good man, Fedchenko said, but was trapped by a troubled life.
Still, he didn't want the same for his son - three days after his father saw him partying and drinking at college, Fedchenko found himself in the military.
A few years later, his father, then 52, died of a massive stroke. Fedchenko was the one to discover his lifeless body
“In all honesty, I felt relief. I was relieved that it was finally over,” he recalled.
Three years later, after his childhood best friend died at the age of 25 when his liver gave out from years of alcohol abuse, Fedchenko quit drinking altogether.
Fedchenko stressed to parents the need to be upfront and honest with their children about their own pasts, to verify their teens' locations and to be there for them when mistakes are made. His own mother, he recalled, was willing to pick him up if he called her after a night of drinking.
“She knew that I wasn't innocent, but she wanted her son home alive,” he said, noting that consequences were enforced the next day. “It wasn't a free pass, but the free pass was you got home alive.”
To the teens in the room, he explained the terrifying consequences that one night of bad choices can have.
“Maybe one day it's going to end in DWI, maybe one day it's going to end in death. It's a lottery; it's a lottery of death,” he said.
Matt McGlynn
Matt McGlynn was just 14 years old when he began drinking. By the time he was a junior at Skaneateles High School, his imbibing was no longer limited to the weekends.
At the age of 28, realizing that he was an “out-of-control alcoholic” who was wasting his potential, McGlynn checked himself into rehab because of his alcohol and drug abuse.
“I would have been just the walking dead until I actually died,” he said.
McGlynn, now 37, said that he hasn't yet seen change occur in the Skaneateles community, as many parents still hide situations that would put their child in a bad light or result in academic or athletic disciplinary action. He is not looking to judge parents and is not an expert on the subject, but the reality is that some parents do not want to admit to themselves that other children or their own children are drinking or doing drugs, he said.
Students, he said, need to start spreading the message that it isn't cool to drink. And parents must begin to enforce consequences, because teens know how to get around the rules.
“We can't accept the unacceptable any longer. As a parent, are you going to really put the hammer down when you have to?” he asked, adding that parents should start policing each other as well, reporting underage parties. “Change can happen. I think that there's got to be a new normal.”
McGlynn, who now has a good job, wife and two daughters, recognizes that as a recovering alcoholic, his struggle with sobriety is a daily occurrence.
And he doesn't regret being an alcoholic. It's made him the man he is today, he said, and fighting alcoholism has also given him the strength to deal with cancer, as he underwent surgery for a brain tumor 18 months ago.
He also realizes how lucky he is to still be alive.
“I could have been Matt Angelillo; so could a lot of my friends,” he said, noting that five of his six close friends growing up have also been to rehab.
Marianne Angelillo
Marianne Angelillo had big plans for her son, Matthew. Those plans were shattered on June 19, 2004, when Matthew was killed in a drunk-driving crash on Route 20. Steven Corsello, Matthew's friend since the third grade, was the one driving the car.
Though Matthew will never be an active member of the Air Force or get married, Marianne believes that her vivacious, athletic and intelligent son has a new purpose.
“He still can make a huge impact on this world if his story is told,” said Marianne, who has spoken to thousands of teens in the region to alert them to the dangers of alcohol. “He is still saving lives, even though I may never know which ones.”
June 19, 2004, was a wake-up call to the Skaneateles community, but there is still a mindset out there that needs to be changed, Marianne said.
She said that underage drinking is not OK, and any parent who thinks that there is such a thing as safe underage drinking is being just as naive as she and her husband once were. The lack of consequences and communication between adults, educators and peers enables the risky behavior of teenagers, she added.
“Parents need to learn that they need to be parents first and not best friends,” Marianne said, noting that it's important to allow children to learn from their mistakes and that parents can no longer hide behind the excuse of “we did it when we were young.”
Marianne stressed that there are also many more legal concerns for both parents and children that weren't there in the past. Adults can be arrested for hosting parties at which there is underage drinking, and teens who have been arrested for alcohol- or drug-related offenses can jeopardize their future careers.
And worse, if you should harm yourself or take someone else's life, she said, “There is no way to ever wake up from the nightmare and reverse the consequences.”
Marc Angelillo
Marc Angelillo believes that the country is at tipping point in terms of underage alcohol abuse.
“The country is saying we're not going to take it anymore,” Angelillo said, noting such things as longer jail sentences for DWI offenses.
Yet in order to complete the change, both parents and students must take on certain responsibilities, Angelillo said.
One of those responsibilities concerns the idea of a designated driver. In the past, Angelillo said, the “DD” was considered the person who drank the least. Parents must change this definition to the person who didn't drink at all, and their children should remind them of this, he said.
Angelillo also talked of peer pressure and its existence for both children and adults. Before Matthew's death, he said, he was a social drinker who would put back a few at a gathering with friends.
“We disguised it under the premise that we're adults and we're allowed to drink,” Angelillo said, but even adults don't really know how much they can handle. It's a roll of the dice every time you get behind the wheel, he added.
Angelillo has completely given up drinking socially and occasionally has a glass of red wine with dinner, as long as he is not driving anywhere. He made the decision to change his drinking habits a few weeks after Matthew's death.
Angelillo congratulated the teens in the audience for the measures they have already employed, things like taking away a drunk friend's keys or driving a friend under the influence home safely.
“You're the unsung heroes of your generation, and you'll never be recognized for any of that,” he said.
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Parent of Five wrote on Apr 17, 2007 10:56 AM: