“No man can lose what he never had.”

- Izaak Walton

My father and I were having lunch and talking the other day, nothing out of the ordinary, until he gets onto the topic of whether or not he should make out a will. Since I'm the one getting stuck with the bill, I wonder if there's any inheritance left, but still I mention that he might want to talk to someone who has at least some experience with matters such as these.

My only experience with anything legal was appearing in front of the Venice town judge on a speeding ticket. In hindsight pleading insanity probably wasn't the best defense to take; at one point I even tried shedding some tears to hopefully earn some sympathy, but in the end I still had to pay the fine. You'd think that after all my years of watching daytime television I would have been better at winning an argument but apparently I really should not base my understanding of our legal system by watching Judge Judy or The People's Court.

So with any luck my dad will go to a “professional” and get what needs to be taken care of done the right way.

For the rest of the day I couldn't get this little thought out of my head: what if I was to kick the bucket?

It's not like I'm in poor health or anything like that, but then again, hey, accidents do happen. My parents had me, didn't they? So there's your proof.

Our conversation made me wonder that if I did get sent to the pearly gates, what do I have to leave as a legacy to people.

I took a little inventory of my assets when I got home later that night and came to the dark reality that my house is filled with a lot of junk.

Granted, there's probably some value to the pile of empty soda cans next to my fridge but other than that I don't have anything that couldn't be replaced by spending an afternoon at an All-For-A-Dollar store.

And like a flash of light I had�an epiphany. When the time comes, I'm going to get one of those diseases that only gives you about two weeks to live.

As soon as I get the poor bill of health, I'm going to make two stops: one to Rent-A-Center, the other to Enterprise.

I'm going to fill my house with things I couldn't ever dream of owning, and outside in the driveway will be the latest in automobile technology.

Once everything is delivered, I'm going to sit down and make out my will.

I'll be very generous with doling all my rented possessions and lavish my friends and family with all sorts of cool merchandise.

This grand scheme will have a two-fold effect: if they don't cry over my passing, they will surely feel a twinge of loss when someone comes to repossess that Porsche and plasma television.

It's said that you can't take it with you, but it certainly will be taken away after I'm gone.

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here, each

Sunday, in The Citizen.

He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com