As I was talking to older elementary children while presenting programs on personal safety to their classes, it brought back memories of when I first left my children home alone. I have talked to other parents who struggled with the decision and were anxious about their children's ability to handle this new responsibility.

I remember talking to my children after their first time “home alone.” I was concerned to learn how they had been frightened, had hidden in fear when they heard someone at the door and that they had not followed through on the safety information which I had assumed they had learned. We had a long talk and worked out what would make them feel safe. We talked to an older, retired neighbor whom we knew well and trusted. She agreed that the children could check in with her if their father or I were not available at our work numbers. We made sure that they had rules that were clear and that their father and I would check on them if at all possible.

As I talk to children and to parents, I hear that there continues to be concern about children being home alone. This is an issue that many families face. When I talk to older elementary children especially, I hear that many of them have been given instructions and rules to follow. Many of them have been given resources to turn to if they run into any problems.

However, there were many children who find the experience of being home alone filled with anxiety. Some told how they would use bats or other “weapons” if someone tried to break into their house. Some said they keep their dogs close by to attack anyone who might try to hurt them. A few children reported to me that they lock the house, and then lock themselves in the bathroom or their bedroom. One child even reported hiding under her bed to be safe. Not only is this unsafe in case of a fire, but how sad that these children have such fear that has not been addressed.

One child stated that she did not worry because she knew what a “bad” person would look like if they came to her house or if she saw them on the street. She informed me that “they usually wear hoods so that you can't see their faces very well, and they wear black.” These children may actually be giving their parents the impression that they're fine when they're home alone. I know my children gave me that impression until I asked specifically what they did when I wasn't there.

If children are going to be home alone, or home with siblings, we need to prepare them for this responsibility. Be clear with your child about what you expect of them and make sure that they feel secure and not frightened.

As I do programs with older elementary children, I give them a paper to go over with their parents. On this paper there is a place to fill in numbers where parents, grandparents or trusted friends can be reached so that the child can alert someone that they are home. This reassures the child that they can easily be in touch with someone if they need help. This paper, which is to be kept where it is easily accessible, should list emergency numbers. An explanation can be made to your children about what numbers may be appropriate to call for what situation. Your children should be aware that they can get help, if needed, through 911. This can add to their feeling of security.

You might want to give your child a trial run on being home alone for a short period of time and then talk about any concerns that either of you have. Your child may not express their fears or confusion to you because they look forward to your allowing them to be more independent and responsible. You need to check with them and make sure they aren't locking their bedroom doors, hiding under the bed or sitting with their dog and bat close by to ward off “those men in hoods and black clothes.” We want their experience to be rewarding and for them to be proud of their growing self sufficiency.

We teach safety to children not to frighten them, but to give them more confidence and security. We can do this by keeping communication open.

I think that if you work with your children on this, your anxiety, as well as theirs, will be lessened.

Rosa Grube is an education coordinator for SAVAR of Cayuga Counseling Services