Here are some more of Maxine's maxims:
€ If you want my opinion, I think people should keep their opinions to themselves.
€ After a certain age, “catching some air” means remembering to breathe.
€ I'd water my lawn, but I'm pretty sure that's what's been making the grass grow.
€ I don't know why I can't get a pizza delivered the way I like it. You know, free.
€ Space -- the final frontier. You oughta go check it out. No need to come back.
€ I cleaned out my wallet the other day. Yeah, I went to a casino.
€ Forgive me if I snap at you. I'm myself today.
€ Where does the time go? Seems like I just pick up steam complaining about fall, and I'm almost late for complaining about winter!
€ Today is Shark Awareness Day. If you can't make it to the ocean, visit a pool hall.
€ If I plan it just right, one hot flash can defrost my whole car.
€ Sure the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for -- all the in-laws were back in Europe.
€ I wish someone would invent “caller IQ” so I could tell how smart the person on the other end is before I answer.
€ Why not just call minivans “tiny” and lie altogether.
€ Taking a family vacation to get away from stress is like running down the railroad track to get away from the train.
€ I love playing games on the Internet. Like tellin' guys in chat rooms I'm a 19-year-old lap dancer.
€ My dentist told me I'm going to have to get a bridge. The price is the same as the one in Brooklyn.
€ If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money that I'd also have to look for.
€ A Hanukkah wish: May your bald spot be smaller than your yarmulke.
€ The best thing about this time of year is watching the people who make homemade Christmas gifts start to really panic.
€ My tree is dry and prickly and not likely to go outside until April. Like it's owner.
€ I like to open my gifts on Christmas Eve. If I'm lucky, I can return them before the stores close.
€ The holidays are pretty painless unless one of the youngest relatives has just learned “Jingle Bells” on the piano.
Dorothy Nelson lives and writes in Auburn
€ After a certain age, “catching some air” means remembering to breathe.
€ I'd water my lawn, but I'm pretty sure that's what's been making the grass grow.
€ I don't know why I can't get a pizza delivered the way I like it. You know, free.
€ Space -- the final frontier. You oughta go check it out. No need to come back.
€ I cleaned out my wallet the other day. Yeah, I went to a casino.
€ Forgive me if I snap at you. I'm myself today.
€ Where does the time go? Seems like I just pick up steam complaining about fall, and I'm almost late for complaining about winter!
€ Today is Shark Awareness Day. If you can't make it to the ocean, visit a pool hall.
€ If I plan it just right, one hot flash can defrost my whole car.
€ Sure the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for -- all the in-laws were back in Europe.
€ I wish someone would invent “caller IQ” so I could tell how smart the person on the other end is before I answer.
€ Why not just call minivans “tiny” and lie altogether.
€ Taking a family vacation to get away from stress is like running down the railroad track to get away from the train.
€ I love playing games on the Internet. Like tellin' guys in chat rooms I'm a 19-year-old lap dancer.
€ My dentist told me I'm going to have to get a bridge. The price is the same as the one in Brooklyn.
€ If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money that I'd also have to look for.
€ A Hanukkah wish: May your bald spot be smaller than your yarmulke.
€ The best thing about this time of year is watching the people who make homemade Christmas gifts start to really panic.
€ My tree is dry and prickly and not likely to go outside until April. Like it's owner.
€ I like to open my gifts on Christmas Eve. If I'm lucky, I can return them before the stores close.
€ The holidays are pretty painless unless one of the youngest relatives has just learned “Jingle Bells” on the piano.
Dorothy Nelson lives and writes in Auburn
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