“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

- Spike Milligan

Well, I think I'm ready. I have my paper. I have my pen. That must mean that it is time to become one with the Claus and make my list. I must say I'm a little disappointed in the findings. It seems that there aren't that many girls in the naughty column. I even checked it twice. But, alas, as the saying goes ... there's always next year.

To be serious though, there will be some folks on my list that will be a little saddened at what I won't be buying them this year.

As I am sure you have come to realize I have little patience with modern society. I'm sure I would have had little patience in ancient society as well, but I never really checked to see if I had any past lives, I figure this one is enough to handle without digging up skeletons from centuries past.

So now I have to scratch some people off my Christmas list like it is some sort of lottery ticket. Any one who asks for a PS3 or PS2 or anything even remotely related to spending the night outside a store waiting in line is getting a big bag of nada from me. There is nothing that comes to mind that is worth spending an evening on a sidewalk.

But that is what Christmas shopping is all about. The hype of the “latest” new doo hickey. But the funny thing about it is that as you look back over the years you often have to laugh at how important things are at the moment, but a month or two later, you have to wonder what you were thinking? Remember Cabbage Patch Kids? Tickle Me Elmo?

You ... me ... everyone had to have one. Or better yet there was the Furby craze. I read about people actually rioting over this piece of laughing fur. We all stood in line and got all excited to get that creepy-eyed toy.

Eventually coming to realize that trying to teach a Furby to speak was actually sort of irritating, and then collectively we found our new excitement in throwing it away, listening to it laugh as it hit the bottom of the garbage can.

So anyone who asks me for an item that might lead to a physical confrontation will have to go without.

If it is the thought that counts then couldn't I just “wish” nice things for you and save myself the hours of trying to wrap boxes?

Even if I do go out and splurge there is always a catch to gifting.

There are the small warnings on the package that you have to pay attention to. Batteries not included. Some assembly required.

Why is it that when they say “some assembly required” it usually means a whole lot of assembly will be needed as well as a degree in engineering.

People should just give useful gifts, gifts that last more than a week. Presents that help you out, or provide some comfort.

Maybe that's why grandma always gave us underwear.

Auburn native Bradley

Molloy's column appears here, each Sunday, in The Citizen.

He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com