“A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.”

- Willy Wonka

It's that time of year when all the children get to play dress-up and become whatever they dream of being. Perhaps a princess, a ghost, or maybe a witch. From the look of things, pirates are big this year. So, thank you Mr. Depp. But before we go out into that good night there are a few things we need to discuss.

First I'll start with the advice for trick-or-treaters:

€ Always walk with a group.

€ Wear something bright so people can see you cross the road.

€ Walk with an adult.

€ Wait till you get home to eat the candy.

€ Take a big enough bag to hold all the loot, never shortchange yourself with a small bag.

Kids are safe? Good.

Now the adults.

Let me just say that I understand that being a homeowner often times can be a real pain. The weekend projects, the taxes and the “keeping up with the Joneses” can leave you feeling deflated, and at times feeling inferior. “Their” stuff is always bigger and better. Perhaps you might even catch yourself daydreaming about one day having the neighborhood's respect that they seem to enjoy with their fancy cars and cute garden gnomes. My friends, I'm here to tell you that there's a way to earn that “street cred” you've been missing in your life. What's the secret to neighborhood and Halloween success? Full-size candy bars!

It's real simple, you see there are two types of people in this world. Those that believe children who have dressed up deserve a real candy bar. And those that have been brainwashed into buying candy known as “fun size.”

I don't know what kind of chocolate Nazi thought up the idea that a miniature candy bar is fun; I assume that person must have had one heck of a childhood. What? Did his parents only ever get him the baby cone when they went out for ice cream?

If you're too confused by all the choices they have in the aisle (and they will have choices!) then just use the old female emotional cycle as your guide. The next time your wife or girlfriend is having one of “those” days; offer her your idea of chocolate. If she smiles, and stops wishing for your death, then you've found your bar, but if you spend the night on the couch, I recommend you go bigger.

While we are on the topic of treats, you also don't want to go the healthy route either. Handing out pennies or dimes will only leave you with a house covered in toilet paper. I mean, seriously, a penny!? What do you give the older kids? Smart career planning?! This is about building a name for yourself as the “good house,” so don't blow it.

Me, I'm off to the store to pick up my supplies, and I know that when my time comes to open that door, that little Mafia of costumed critters will be smiling, and why? Because, to a candy craving pirate ... size matters.

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears in The Citizen each Sunday. He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com