“I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.”
- Liebman
Just got back from shopping. Let's check out the list:
€ Band-Aids
€ Shoulder pads
€ Chest protector
€ Ear plugs
€ Safety goggles
I know your thinking, “but Bradley I thought you didn't really play rough sports?” Well, my friends, I am about to go on the most daring of extreme activities and I need to be prepared. That's right ... dating.
No episode of “Survivor,” or any half-hour of “Fear Factor” can even begin to match the pressure, the heart-pounding excitement and the true agony of defeat like dating in Auburn.
For the first time, I am going to unveil to you some of my rules for dating.
Rule No. 1: Beware of the blind date.
At the start this seems like a brilliant idea: your friends do all the work and all you have to do is show up and be charming. Like all things simple, there are serious consequences in lending your fate over to people with whom you have shared such tender moments as belching for time contests or the not-soon-forgotten pull my finger trick. So sure you'd think my friend Jeff has my best intentions in mind until he says, and with a straight face, “You'll like her, she has a great personality.” Oh yeah, big red flag there...
Rule No. 2: Let's just call this one baggage handling and go from there.
In these post 9/11 times, I think that we should take some guidance from our government when dating and follow the rules laid down by the Department of Homeland Security. Any potential female companion shall have only one carry on, and there better not be anything explosive in there. All the rest of that stuff you have to check in on your own. Hopefully some of that stuff will be lost along the way.
Rule No. 3: No asking what my favorite color is.
When I was in St. Mary's school, perhaps it was fifth-grade, all the boys and girls were separated and headed off to see that “special movie.” Now the boys were shown how we were about to go through wondrous changes in our bodies and left with the feeling that any day now we were going to turn into our own personal Chia pets and our voices would plunge to Barry White depths. From past dating experience, I gather girls must have seen a movie starring Bob Ross and the color wheel, because every time they want to know what my favorite color is. Blue has never done me wrong and I know red always has my back, so why should I play favorites? My answer... plaid! Figure that one out, ladies.
Rule No. 4: No dancing!
Repeat. Under no circumstance is there to be dancing involved on the first date. After making reservations at Lasca's and enjoying a decent meal, drinking a glass of wine and being ever so gentlemanly, nothing wrecks that Mr. Right appeal like allowing me to dance.
To put it in context; it is like watching someone do Tae Bo while having a seizure. Not pretty, not good, no dancing. I'll wait until you're in love before putting us through that.
So much pressure, maybe I should have gotten some Tylenol, as well. To be continued... wish me luck.
Auburn native Bradley Molloy's columns appear Sundays in
The Citizen. He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com
Just got back from shopping. Let's check out the list:
€ Band-Aids
€ Shoulder pads
€ Chest protector
€ Ear plugs
€ Safety goggles
I know your thinking, “but Bradley I thought you didn't really play rough sports?” Well, my friends, I am about to go on the most daring of extreme activities and I need to be prepared. That's right ... dating.
No episode of “Survivor,” or any half-hour of “Fear Factor” can even begin to match the pressure, the heart-pounding excitement and the true agony of defeat like dating in Auburn.
For the first time, I am going to unveil to you some of my rules for dating.
Rule No. 1: Beware of the blind date.
At the start this seems like a brilliant idea: your friends do all the work and all you have to do is show up and be charming. Like all things simple, there are serious consequences in lending your fate over to people with whom you have shared such tender moments as belching for time contests or the not-soon-forgotten pull my finger trick. So sure you'd think my friend Jeff has my best intentions in mind until he says, and with a straight face, “You'll like her, she has a great personality.” Oh yeah, big red flag there...
Rule No. 2: Let's just call this one baggage handling and go from there.
In these post 9/11 times, I think that we should take some guidance from our government when dating and follow the rules laid down by the Department of Homeland Security. Any potential female companion shall have only one carry on, and there better not be anything explosive in there. All the rest of that stuff you have to check in on your own. Hopefully some of that stuff will be lost along the way.
Rule No. 3: No asking what my favorite color is.
When I was in St. Mary's school, perhaps it was fifth-grade, all the boys and girls were separated and headed off to see that “special movie.” Now the boys were shown how we were about to go through wondrous changes in our bodies and left with the feeling that any day now we were going to turn into our own personal Chia pets and our voices would plunge to Barry White depths. From past dating experience, I gather girls must have seen a movie starring Bob Ross and the color wheel, because every time they want to know what my favorite color is. Blue has never done me wrong and I know red always has my back, so why should I play favorites? My answer... plaid! Figure that one out, ladies.
Rule No. 4: No dancing!
Repeat. Under no circumstance is there to be dancing involved on the first date. After making reservations at Lasca's and enjoying a decent meal, drinking a glass of wine and being ever so gentlemanly, nothing wrecks that Mr. Right appeal like allowing me to dance.
To put it in context; it is like watching someone do Tae Bo while having a seizure. Not pretty, not good, no dancing. I'll wait until you're in love before putting us through that.
So much pressure, maybe I should have gotten some Tylenol, as well. To be continued... wish me luck.
Auburn native Bradley Molloy's columns appear Sundays in
The Citizen. He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com
The Citizens' Say
There are 5 comment(s)
Michelle wrote on Sep 21, 2006 6:02 PM:
Mary wrote on Sep 17, 2006 3:49 PM:
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Greg Frank wrote on Sep 15, 2006 11:50 AM: