Many of us miss the gentle comedy and clean humor presented by the late Red Skelton. Here are his tips on a happy marriage, no doubt written “tongue-in-cheek.”
1. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
2. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant for good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesday, I go on Fridays.
3. We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine in California.
4. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because she thought there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was and she said, “In the lake.”
5. As for myself, I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
6. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven't been in a long time,” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
7. I'll admit the last fuss we had was my fault. My wife asked, “What's on TV?” I answered, “Dust!”
8. Actually, I haven't spoken to my wife in almost a year. I don't like to interrupt her.
Marriage seminar
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to their instructor. “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.” He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife's favorite flower?” Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, “It's Pillsbury, isn't it?”
If you are a senior citizen like me, you remember all the old “Burma Shave” signs along the road, as you took a ride with your parents.
Don't lose your head
To gain a minute.
You need your head,
Your brains are in it.
Drove too long,
Driver snoozing?
What happened next
Is not amusing.
Don't stick your elbow
Out so far.
It may go home
In another car.
The midnight ride
Of Paul for beer,
Led to a warmer
Hemisphere.
Around the curve
Lickety-split,
Beautiful car,
Wasn't it?
At intersections
Look each way
A harp sounds nice
But it's hard to play.
Both hands on the wheel
Eyes on the road
That's the skillful
Driver's Code.
The one who drives
When he's been drinking
Depends on you
To do his thinking.
Car in ditch
Driver in tree
The moon was full
And so was he.
Trains don't wander
All over the map
'Cus nobody sits
In the engineer's lap.
She kissed the hairbrush
By mistake
She thought it was
Her husband Jake.
And my all-time favorite:
Passing school zone
Take it slow
Let our little
Shavers grow.
“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “And, I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.”
“That's very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
Dorothy Nelson lives and writes in Auburn
2. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant for good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesday, I go on Fridays.
3. We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine in California.
4. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because she thought there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was and she said, “In the lake.”
5. As for myself, I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
6. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven't been in a long time,” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
7. I'll admit the last fuss we had was my fault. My wife asked, “What's on TV?” I answered, “Dust!”
8. Actually, I haven't spoken to my wife in almost a year. I don't like to interrupt her.
Marriage seminar
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to their instructor. “It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.” He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife's favorite flower?” Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, “It's Pillsbury, isn't it?”
If you are a senior citizen like me, you remember all the old “Burma Shave” signs along the road, as you took a ride with your parents.
Don't lose your head
To gain a minute.
You need your head,
Your brains are in it.
Drove too long,
Driver snoozing?
What happened next
Is not amusing.
Don't stick your elbow
Out so far.
It may go home
In another car.
The midnight ride
Of Paul for beer,
Led to a warmer
Hemisphere.
Around the curve
Lickety-split,
Beautiful car,
Wasn't it?
At intersections
Look each way
A harp sounds nice
But it's hard to play.
Both hands on the wheel
Eyes on the road
That's the skillful
Driver's Code.
The one who drives
When he's been drinking
Depends on you
To do his thinking.
Car in ditch
Driver in tree
The moon was full
And so was he.
Trains don't wander
All over the map
'Cus nobody sits
In the engineer's lap.
She kissed the hairbrush
By mistake
She thought it was
Her husband Jake.
And my all-time favorite:
Passing school zone
Take it slow
Let our little
Shavers grow.
“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court judge said, “And, I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.”
“That's very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
Dorothy Nelson lives and writes in Auburn
The Citizens' Say
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