You can set your watch by it.

10 a.m. Appointment for an oil change at a car dealership.

10:10 a.m. A mechanic approaches you with a clipboard and a dour look, as if your grandfather didn't make it out of surgery.

“Excuse me, are you the parents of that poor car which was just wheeled into emergency?“

“Yes?”

“I'm sorry, but it doesn't look as though it's going to pull through. Not unless you spend $1,200 for these absolutely essential life-or-death repairs.“

“But all I wanted was an oil change ...”

And what you got was a whole lot of worry or a whole lot of credit card debt. Take your pick.

It never fails. My wife took her car to a dealership in north Syracuse for an oil change last week. She must have run over a bull elk on the way there, because the car wasn't in that bad a shape when she left.

But I got that phone call, that phone call you ask your wife to make to you just in case the “oil change” is going to exceed $50.

“Excuse me, Mr. LeFort?” said the voice on the other end of the line.

“Yes,” I said, nervously wondering whether my HMO would cover this, and if not, what the penalties were for early withdrawal of my 401K.

“Your wife told me to call you. It seems her car has a major problem with the air conditioning (which they had been paid to fix last year, but now a ‘new' problem had resurfaced. Just once, wouldn't you like a mechanic to say, ‘Hey, we should have fixed it right the first time; this one's on us.'). Plus, the front brakes are shot, and the interior cruciate joint casing is cracked ...”

Inevitably, mechanics throw into the prognosis a confusing array of parts and descriptions which we have never heard of, just so you can't wage an argument, but leaving you wondering how they can tell all that from a simple oil change.

“... and if it ruptures, your front axle could fall right off while you're doing 70 on the Thruway in a driving rainstorm.

“Oh, and your family dog that your wife brought along in the back seat. Yeah, his parts are bad, too, and he'll need to be put to sleep ... unless you can spend $1,200 for his absolutely necessary repairs.

“Oh, and then there's the problem with your wife ...”

Good mechanics worth their commission will always provide you with dire consequences. You drive into their service center with the Homeland Security Terror Alert light in your dashboard blinking a calm green (Low) and you leave with it a screaming red (High Risk), scaring you into believing that you'd be safer just pushing the car instead of driving it.

If these mechanics were doctors, we'd all have six months to live. Their service creed? Into every sunny day, a little oil must leak.

I'm convinced you could take one of the brand new 2006 models on their lot, pull off the stickers, pull it around back to the service center for an oil change, and they'd tell you the car needs a new transmission.

And so, faced with a choice from the service center between checkbook-busting costs, and nerve-busting fear, my wife and I did what anyone would do.

But next time, we'll choose a dealership closer to Auburn.

That way, it won't take as long to push the car home.

Editor Mikel LeFort can be reached at 253-5311 ext. 230 or e-mail mikel.lefort@lee.net