A $3.87 greeting card should last a lot longer than 30 seconds, which is what it takes to open it and read the message. For $3.87, you should not only get the card, but roses, chocolates and an orchestra. A $3.87 greeting card should start your car in the morning, scrape your windshields, cut your lawn, and pick up the dog poop in the grass.

This week, I unwittingly picked out a $3.87 greeting card for my wife (I didn't check the fine print first). My gosh, I could get a whole gallon of gas for that. (There ought to be Senate hearings on Big Greeting Card Companies and the profits of their CEOs. Thank goodness the president hasn't decided to invade a Greeting Card-rich foreign country with an oppressive dictator, because then card prices would really skyrocket).

What's especially troubling is that I bought this $3.87 card in Auburn. Those aren't Auburn-type prices. $3.87? My assessment was less than that. To look at the bright side, I guess I should be glad I live in Auburn: A $3.87 in Auburn is the equivalent of $4.35 in Aurora and $12.59 in Skaneateles.

My wife will be pleased with my show ($how) of affection. Women check the fine print. They'll thank you for the card, but once you leave the room, they'll check the back of the card. They need to know: How much did he spend on me? How much does he value our relationship? (True fact: The No. 1 cause of divorces in this country? Discount greeting cards).

This is where a marketing campaign costs men money.

It began when diamond companies began advertising that men should spend three months salary on their engagement rings. Up until that point, I had been planning on buying my wife a ring that cost three hours salary, after taxes. But then we both saw the commercial, and now, I find myself making monthly installment payments on that ring; my mortgage will be paid off sooner.

Hallmark produces the same marketing propaganda. By suggesting that “when you care enough to send the very best” you choose Hallmark, is just guilt marketing aimed at men. Based on this $3.87 greeting card, Hallmark's slogan should be changed to “When you care enough to send the very expensive.”

I don't buy greeting cards much. My cards are more like a hailstorm; they don't come often, but when they do, they're newsworthy.

But my wife? She buys me one for every occasion. Washington's Birthday, Groundhog Day, No Cavities At The Dentist, April Fool's Day, May Day, Cinco de Mayo. Mother's Day is just around the corner, and even though we don't have children, I'm sure my wife counts our dog as one of our kids, just as we do during tax time.

So as this Mother's Day (and Father's Day) approach, and you sweat over whether to call your bank and apply for one of their Greeting Card Revolving Loans, let me suggest we all begin our own counter-Hallmark propaganda.

Find some construction paper around the house and a magic marker.

OK, ready? Print after me.

“Dear Honey (or your cute pet name). You are a wonderful (mother or father). Sincerely, (your name here).”

You circumvent corporate carddom by caring enough to send the very cheapest.

But this special card comes from the heart. It's made with love. Your spouse will appreciate the time and care that went into the effort.

You can't put a price on that.

But just be sure to use the marker to write on the back of the card in small print:

$8.99.

When she checks.

Editor Mikel LeFort can be reached at 253-5311 ext. 230 or e-mail mikel.lefort@lee.net