Most people love to see their names in The Citizen, just not on Page 2. There's not a lot of good that usually comes from being on our Page 2, including what may be some of the most interesting reading: Inspections.

The health department inspections we report are more meticulous than your mother's review of your bed-making abilities.

For example ...

Unsatisfactory: One dessert spoon not placed perfectly perpendicular, refrigerator settings 2 degrees cooler than industry standard, thumbprint smudge on side of stainless steel stove, stove mittens were both left hands.

We should all be happy that county health officials don't inspect private residences. The results from a visit to our home wouldn't fit on Page 2:

Bathroom

. Toothpaste tube pressed from the middle.

. Toilet seat up. The couple blamed their 2-year-old. 2-year-old dog, that is.

. Strands of hair in the shower drain. Dog again, apparently.

. Sliver of last bar of soap smushed into new bar of soap in order to save money.

. Prescription bottles falling out of cabinets, filled with medication they have not taken for years but are keeping in case of emergency.

Kitchen

. Lipstick prints on the opening of the half-gallon carton of milk. Dog, again.

. Juice returned to fridge with less than a swallow remaining.

. Human food preparation area and dog food preparation area are one in the same.

. Freezer is filled with best intentions, but there is so much frost on the packages, contents are unknown and unsafe.

. Husband spotted making himself a sandwich, then petting the dog, then returning to make himself the sandwich, without washing hands.

Bedroom

. Clothes laying on top of anything that is waist level. The couple insist they intend on wearing these clothes the following day, but there are enough clothes laying around to clothe all of Port Byron. In addition, there are enough mismatched socks lying loose under their bed to outfit an entire Boy Scout troop.

Living room

. More dog toys on the ground than one dog could possibly enjoy, making first floor a walking hazard.

. More remote controls than corresponding electronic devices.

. Dust has accumulated on everything over 5 feet high, or within a foot of the floor (on anything that would require duster to bend or reach).

. Enough spare change found under the sofa cushions to pay for maid service.

. Porch lights left on in broad daylight, a fairly ineffective way to discourage burglars.

Office

. There are piles, albeit neat piles, of paper everywhere. The wife claims there is an organization to this madness, and that all of these papers were necessary, but we secretly removed three piles and we have yet to hear from the wife that she misses them.

. Husband's desk has sheets of paper scattered all over, though he claims it's due to tax season. But these tax forms are from 1996.

Basement

. Stacks of items the couple says are recyclables, though we believe them to be trash because, by the looks of things, they've missed the recycling pickup, oh, 14 months.

Inspectors note: There was a recurring refrain from this couple throughout our inspection:� “We can't throw that away, you never know when we may need it.”

So, as you look over the Inspections each week and shake your head with a “tsk, tsk” when a local restaurant is given an Unsatisfactory, just remember those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones ... especially if you haven't cleaned the glass in a week.

Editor Mikel LeFort can be reached at 253-5311 ext. 230 or e-mail mikel.lefort@lee.net