At what price freedom?

On Tuesday, I will be “locked up” by the Muscular Dystrophy Association and will be trying to raise $650 in “bail” donations to secure my release.

I have done the math. If I had 650 friends, each would need to give $1.

But I counted up my friends and realized each would have to give $650. And my mom doesn't have that much money.

My wife and I spent $900 on our dog, surely you would think my wife would value her husband at $650, but I am not as cute and I cost more to feed. Plus, if I'm in jail, she controls the remote, the telephone and the thermostat, she can use all the hot water during her showers, and has the entire queen-sized bed and comforter to herself.

For my wife, this is second to winning the lottery, so even if the “bail” is paid by others, she won't give me a ride home from jail. She's already called MDA and offered to double the “bail” to keep me incarcerated. She can't afford $650 to get me out, but she'll miraculously scrounge up $1,300 for a week of husband-free living.

So I've set a much lower goal, not because I don't want to help MDA, but I have very realistic expectations of my value to my friends, family and co-workers.

Let's face it, if your car breaks down and your best chance for a ride home is with the sheriff or the tow truck driver ...

If, when you're moving or painting, all your phone calls for help mysteriously go unanswered ...

Heck, if you can't even borrow $1 for a candy bar without being charged a scowl and interest compounded daily ...

... you need some help from Jerry's Kids.

I remember growing up in the 1970s, looking forward to Labor Day weekend so that I could try and stay up all night with Jerry Lewis and his Muscular Dystrophy Telethon. It was the one time all year my parents would let me stay up past my bedtime, and I always convinced myself that if Jerry (who was much older than I was and slowing down) could stay up all night, I could too. But as I got older, I came to discover that a) Jerry had spent many Hollywood years perfecting the all-nighter and b) Jerry always seemed to go missing between midnight and 6 a.m. on the broadcast (as did the celebrity entertainers anyone had ever heard of).

I was mesmerized by that tote board, that big telethon scorecard which turned over dollar amounts too large to fathom (though now that money wouldn't even balance the city of Auburn's budget).

And then there was that song.

Whether you had stayed up all night with him or not, an entire country knew that just a few minutes before 6 p.m. EST Monday you'd want to turn your TV on, because Jerry was going to sing that song. He always cried during “You'll Never Walk Alone” and you always cried right along with him. For both of you, it wasn't a question of if, just when.

So I hope you'll consider donating to the Muscular Dystrophy Association, even if you'd rather see me locked away for life. You can donate to my bail online at https://www.mdaevent.org/ONE/ParticipantInfo.aspx?j=8f4d6fb6-d507-42f8-a17a-75d0724fbc27 (I know, it's impossibly long) or just e-mail me at mikel.lefort@lee.net and I can send you a direct link that is easier (as you'll see on the site, I look a lot more handsome when I'm allowed to send in my own headshot).

Or you can mail checks made out to the Muscular Dystrophy Association to The Citizen, Bail Out The Editor, 25 Dill Street, Auburn, NY 13021.

It's for a good cause.

Just don't tell my wife you're helping “bail” me out.

And, oh, could one of you also give me a ride home?

Editor Mikel LeFort can be reached at 253-5311 ext. 230 or e-mail mikel.lefort@lee.net