My mother always told me I was special and bright, and that was excuse enough for me to pay the $30 which allowed me to take the official 2 1/2-hour Mensa test during the organization's National Testing Day last Saturday.

Mensa is a worldwide exclusive club for smart people who feel they need the validation of an exclusive worldwide club to prove their intelligence, instead of just taking their mother's word for it.

Qualifying for Mensa would be difficult. I have only Wheel Of Fortune intelligence, but would be looking for acceptance by the Jeopardy elite, a wiz at the Word Search trying to join the New York Times Crossword crowd.

I tried studying prior to last weekend's test, challenging myself with sample questions like:

A) If there are 60,000 crows in Auburn, and 24 hunters shoot an average of 10 crows each February, will it be their great grandchildren or great great grandchildren who finally give up trying to eliminate the crows?

B) If, in a period of 10 months, your county taxes are raised 4 percent, your school taxes are raised 4.98 percent, your city taxes are raised 3.8 percent, your water rates are increased 15 percent and your city sewer rates are raised 19 percent, what percentage chance is there that you will vote for an incumbent?

C) If a mayor and a councilor are fighting in council chambers, but the remaining councilors have left and no one is around to hear the fight, does it make a noise? Bonus question: Do Democrats only throw lefts and Republicans rights?

The nearest Mensa test site was at the Hancock Air Force Base, which gave me pause, wondering whether the whole Mensa test thing was just a plot by the military to recruit bright people or those dumb enough to take a test to try and prove it.

The central New York test coordinator gave everyone directions to the air base, which seemed unnecessary information for would-be geniuses. I got lost (not a good omen) which cost me even more time and gas. With gas at $2.87 a gallon, my truck holds 15 gallons, I drove 32 miles each way and another 3 miles getting lost, which means the gas alone cost me ... ahhh ... ahhh ... heck, who needs Mensa math skills when you have a credit card?

When I arrived at the air base's 175th Fighter Wing conference building, we were given pencils and our tests - which sure beat fatigues and a haircut and put my mind at ease (soldier). But only for a moment, as we were informed at the outset by the test coordinator that in order to qualify for admission to Mensa, we needed to finish among the top 2 percent of the country, which was going to be difficult for me, seeing as how I'm not even in the top 2 percent in my home.

Seven people showed up to take the test Saturday, and as I sat there trying to figure 2 percent of 7, the test coordinator could see my lips moving and asked if I'd like a refund before we began.

I stayed but it was exhausting. Fifty questions in 12 minutes for the first test. The second test included seven segments and a memory quiz (I couldn't even remember where I parked my car). I went through a bottle of water, two pencils, and all my fingers and toes.

I walked out dizzy, my head swimming, but coherent enough to remember that I was on an Air Force Base and any dawdling could land me in basic training, so I quickly left the base.

I will be notified by mail as to whether I am intelligent, but seeing as how I spent a perfectly good Saturday driving an hour each way with gas at $3 a gallon to risk enlistment and sit in a cramped cold room taking tests for 2 1/2 hours ...

... I already have my answer.

Editor Mikel LeFort can be reached at 253-5311 ext. 230 or e-mail mikel.lefort@lee.net