No canes, no walkers, no wheelchairs, no oxygen. If you've got any of these items in tow, don't even think of asking out Lorraine Seymour or any of her friends at the Boyle Center.
That might sound picky, but if you're in the 70-plus set, you've earned the right to be a little choosy. As a result of that finickiness, coupled with the dearth of available men, the single women at the Boyle Center don't do a lot of dating. But they would like to if the right man came along.
"Who are we going to date," Seymour asked. "The ones who come in have canes and walkers and wheelchairs. They're more senile than we are."
Peels of laughter rise from the table where Seymour is sitting with Gerry DeTomaso, Alice Garhartt and Esther "Boots" Dodge, all residents of the Boyle Center. They can laugh because they know it's true. Not the senile part, but certainly looking around the Boyle Center program office foyer, men are a rarity.
By the women's count, only 23 men at the Boyle Center are single. The rest of the male residents have wives.
The women joke about being fussy, but it is easy to see the friends miss male companionship. All are widows and some, like Dodge, have been married and widowed multiple times.
"I'm surprised I haven't been investigated yet," Dodge joked, referring to her three husbands and one boyfriend who have all since passed.
But beneath the easy laughter and good-natured teasing, there is a palpable longing in the women. Simply because they are seniors and widows and live in the Boyle Center does not mean they checked their desires at the door.
The issues with senior dating and relationships are far-reaching Nelsa Selover, director of the Cayuga County Office for the Aging, said. Seniors who chose to date once a spouse has passed have to deal with disapproving families, cohabitation and estate issues and an alarming increase in the HIV/AIDS infection rate in the 65 and older population. But for the women at the Boyle Center, just finding a man to "go with" is next to impossible.
"Where do you go to meet men?," Seymour asked. "They should have a center for seniors in Auburn."
But even then their problems wouldn't be solved. Christa DelFavero, the spunky program director at Boyle, does what she can to bring seniors together for activities, but it still doesn't solve the issue of few men.
"This is the hubbub here. The men just haven't discovered it yet," DelFavero joked.
It's not as though the women, despite being picky, are asking for too much. They don't need Prince Charming to ride in and sweep them off their feet. In most cases, that has already happened. They just want basic male companionship.
"There are definitely healthy seniors who want to date," Selover said. "They do have romantic experiences, but there isn't so much a sexual connotation. They just want to cuddle and kiss and hang out."
According to the 2000 Census, the Cayuga County 65 and older population numbered around just slightly less than 12,000, or 14.4 percent of the total population. Of that 65 and older population, there were 4,797 men and 7,012 women. Selover guesses that that gap is growing.
The women point to this as proof of why they can't meet men. Sure, they could troll the Internet as many seniors do, looking for companionship. But something about that doesn't sit right with Dodge.
"I don't believe in Internet dating. You never know who you'll get," she said.
DeTomaso brought up the issue of safety and Internet dating, saying there are a lot of people out there looking to take advantage of senior women.
"At our age, we wouldn't be able to handle it," she said.
Not all seniors in the county are as lovelorn as the crew at the Boyle Center. Some find love and companionship in the most simple of ways.
Joe and Mary Ann Demaio, both 75, have been married just over a year, but they've known each other for more than 50 years. They initially met when Joe was working at a bowling alley and Mary Ann and her friends would come in to bowl.
Joe took a shine to Mary Ann's friend Mary and Joe's friend Frank was sweet on Mary Ann. The two couples got married, produced seven children between them and went about their lives together. Joe and Mary Ann lost touch when they each began caring for their ailing spouses years ago.
When their respective spouses died in 1993 and 1997, Mary Ann and Joe moved into the Boyle Center- separately and without knowledge of the other's plans.
"We didn't cross paths until we were on the elevator at the Boyle Center. I lived on the sixth floor and she lived on the seventh floor," Joe said.
They ran into each other here and there and neither were looking to start seriously dating again. Joe was seeing a fellow resident who ended up dying and admittedly he was not in the best of states.
"I was very depressed. I wasn't in a very good mood," he recalled. "Then we got to talking and I asked her, 'Do you go with anyone?'"
Mary Ann picked up the story.
"I told him, 'No, I never met Mr. Right'," she said.
They slowly eased into dating, their first date hardly a romantic event. They attended a wake together.
The two took walks and spent time together, but neither was looking for romance.
"I wasn't really interested," Joe said. "I thought I was jinxed."
But thanks to DelFavero's gentle nudges, the two finally got together.
"If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have done it," Joe said.
Mary Ann said DelFavero encouraged her to talk to Joe by laying a bit of a guilt trip on her. She told Mary Ann, "He's out there all alone. Go talk to him," Mary Ann recalled.
The rest is history for the Demaios, who dated for three and a half years before marrying. Despite each having been married for more than 40 years to their previous spouses, getting remarried was easy. It was taking that first step that was difficult.
"That's the hard part. To get back into dating when your spouse dies. You don't want to go out after your spouse dies. Friends tried to encourage me, but it was difficult. They don't know what to say to you," Joe said with candor uncharacteristic in most men.
Whether they find love or not after a spouse dies is not a top priority for most seniors. For the women at the Boyle Center, having a man to share life with would be nice, but they've got plenty to occupy their time. When they're not volunteering, they're socializing with each other.
"We all keep so busy," Seymour said, laughing, "who has time for men?"
"Who are we going to date," Seymour asked. "The ones who come in have canes and walkers and wheelchairs. They're more senile than we are."
Peels of laughter rise from the table where Seymour is sitting with Gerry DeTomaso, Alice Garhartt and Esther "Boots" Dodge, all residents of the Boyle Center. They can laugh because they know it's true. Not the senile part, but certainly looking around the Boyle Center program office foyer, men are a rarity.
By the women's count, only 23 men at the Boyle Center are single. The rest of the male residents have wives.
The women joke about being fussy, but it is easy to see the friends miss male companionship. All are widows and some, like Dodge, have been married and widowed multiple times.
"I'm surprised I haven't been investigated yet," Dodge joked, referring to her three husbands and one boyfriend who have all since passed.
But beneath the easy laughter and good-natured teasing, there is a palpable longing in the women. Simply because they are seniors and widows and live in the Boyle Center does not mean they checked their desires at the door.
The issues with senior dating and relationships are far-reaching Nelsa Selover, director of the Cayuga County Office for the Aging, said. Seniors who chose to date once a spouse has passed have to deal with disapproving families, cohabitation and estate issues and an alarming increase in the HIV/AIDS infection rate in the 65 and older population. But for the women at the Boyle Center, just finding a man to "go with" is next to impossible.
"Where do you go to meet men?," Seymour asked. "They should have a center for seniors in Auburn."
But even then their problems wouldn't be solved. Christa DelFavero, the spunky program director at Boyle, does what she can to bring seniors together for activities, but it still doesn't solve the issue of few men.
"This is the hubbub here. The men just haven't discovered it yet," DelFavero joked.
It's not as though the women, despite being picky, are asking for too much. They don't need Prince Charming to ride in and sweep them off their feet. In most cases, that has already happened. They just want basic male companionship.
"There are definitely healthy seniors who want to date," Selover said. "They do have romantic experiences, but there isn't so much a sexual connotation. They just want to cuddle and kiss and hang out."
According to the 2000 Census, the Cayuga County 65 and older population numbered around just slightly less than 12,000, or 14.4 percent of the total population. Of that 65 and older population, there were 4,797 men and 7,012 women. Selover guesses that that gap is growing.
The women point to this as proof of why they can't meet men. Sure, they could troll the Internet as many seniors do, looking for companionship. But something about that doesn't sit right with Dodge.
"I don't believe in Internet dating. You never know who you'll get," she said.
DeTomaso brought up the issue of safety and Internet dating, saying there are a lot of people out there looking to take advantage of senior women.
"At our age, we wouldn't be able to handle it," she said.
Not all seniors in the county are as lovelorn as the crew at the Boyle Center. Some find love and companionship in the most simple of ways.
Joe and Mary Ann Demaio, both 75, have been married just over a year, but they've known each other for more than 50 years. They initially met when Joe was working at a bowling alley and Mary Ann and her friends would come in to bowl.
Joe took a shine to Mary Ann's friend Mary and Joe's friend Frank was sweet on Mary Ann. The two couples got married, produced seven children between them and went about their lives together. Joe and Mary Ann lost touch when they each began caring for their ailing spouses years ago.
When their respective spouses died in 1993 and 1997, Mary Ann and Joe moved into the Boyle Center- separately and without knowledge of the other's plans.
"We didn't cross paths until we were on the elevator at the Boyle Center. I lived on the sixth floor and she lived on the seventh floor," Joe said.
They ran into each other here and there and neither were looking to start seriously dating again. Joe was seeing a fellow resident who ended up dying and admittedly he was not in the best of states.
"I was very depressed. I wasn't in a very good mood," he recalled. "Then we got to talking and I asked her, 'Do you go with anyone?'"
Mary Ann picked up the story.
"I told him, 'No, I never met Mr. Right'," she said.
They slowly eased into dating, their first date hardly a romantic event. They attended a wake together.
The two took walks and spent time together, but neither was looking for romance.
"I wasn't really interested," Joe said. "I thought I was jinxed."
But thanks to DelFavero's gentle nudges, the two finally got together.
"If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have done it," Joe said.
Mary Ann said DelFavero encouraged her to talk to Joe by laying a bit of a guilt trip on her. She told Mary Ann, "He's out there all alone. Go talk to him," Mary Ann recalled.
The rest is history for the Demaios, who dated for three and a half years before marrying. Despite each having been married for more than 40 years to their previous spouses, getting remarried was easy. It was taking that first step that was difficult.
"That's the hard part. To get back into dating when your spouse dies. You don't want to go out after your spouse dies. Friends tried to encourage me, but it was difficult. They don't know what to say to you," Joe said with candor uncharacteristic in most men.
Whether they find love or not after a spouse dies is not a top priority for most seniors. For the women at the Boyle Center, having a man to share life with would be nice, but they've got plenty to occupy their time. When they're not volunteering, they're socializing with each other.
"We all keep so busy," Seymour said, laughing, "who has time for men?"
The Citizens' Say
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