There's been so much juicy news in The Citizen recently that this week's column will be broken down into a series of snippets:

Aggressive driving week: Post APD at roadways and intersections where the most offenses occur.  (Listing them here would take up far too much space.) In the interest of a fast and speedy trial guaranteed by the Constitution, have an on-site traffic court judge, a paper shredder for destroying licenses, a tow truck for vehicle seizure and a portable hoosegow.

Buckle up week: How odd. Most people seem to heed the seat belt law without whining, but tell them they can't yak on their cell phone while driving and it's national rebellion. Perhaps they're secure in the delusion that any chance of death or injury due to their phone conversation is cancelled out by a fastened seat belt.

Crossing guards and school zones: Lack of awareness isn't the problem with motorists driving unsafely through school zones. They're aware. Very aware. They just don't give a darn ... until they're caught of course.  Then it's the dumb and innocent game. Therefore, equip crossing guards with camcorders. Perhaps a video photography student could earn credits by capturing the moment - and the transgressor's defiant grin - on film. A picture is worth a thousand words in traffic court.

Pedestrians vs. autos: The buzzword here is "assume."  The pedestrian assumes the driver will not only do what is lawful, but what makes sense. The driver assumes the pedestrian will do likewise. When one assumption cancels out the other, we have a dead or injured pedestrian and a motorist in a whole heap of trouble. For a very worn out, but befitting cliche, break down the word assume. Perhaps crossing guards should be hired for adults.

Boating safety and BWI: Ah, yes. Naughty little boys, their beer and their toys. Need more be said?

It all boils down to the attitude that "It's only illegal if a cop sees you do it."

Skeeters: Along with summer heat and humidity, the mosquito plague is with us until the first frost.  Load up on bug spray, swatters and mosquito nets. Perhaps a bug-zapping mode could be downloaded into an I-Pod.

Funerals at the fair: Like sausage sandwiches at the State Fair, death is a fact of life. So deal with it.  Hey, John! Those inevitable complainers who will express their displeasure with your display might be your customers sooner than they think.

And finally, an out-of-town note:

"Are you going to turn that *#@! thing off?!" Hurrah for Laurence Fishburne! Let's make this the rallying cry of us cell phone non-conformists. It should be posted as a sign at the front door of every restaurant, church, and funeral home ... and as a bumper sticker.

Paul N. Luziani's column appears Thursdays in The Citizen.

He can be reached at underwood50@hotmail.com