My wife bought me a Zebco fishing pole for Christmas.

That doesn't make me a fisherman. If you can tell someone you have a Zebco fishing pole and they don't break down into tears of laughter, they are a true friend.

Zebco is the training wheels of fishing. Zebco is what you buy someone who says they'd like to take up fishing, but you know would rather take up napping. Or eating.

My wife knows better than to invest in my fishing career.

Each year, we would travel south to Mississippi for her family reunion, and inevitably I'd want to go out fishing with the in-laws. They'd loan me a pole and bait, but my fishing day was always cut short.

Inevitably when I'd catch a fish, they'd swallow the hook.

Every time.

And I hated reaching down into the throat of a fish to extract the hook.

My hands would shake. The fish would see this and he'd shake. His eyes would bulge out of his head - more than a fish's eyes usually do. He'd do his best to help us both by opening his mouth even wider to allow my fingers more room. His gills would sweat. I would sweat.

I couldn't seem to get the hooks loose.

So I'd ask my fishing partner in the boat to take the hook out. And if I was fishing in my own boat, I'd paddle over to the in-laws in a nearby boat, hand over my pole with fish attached, and ask for help. My Southern in-laws would smile, mutter something like "Dumb Yankee" under their breath, and pull the hook out.

And if I was out fishing by myself and this happened, my fishing day was over. I would leave the fish on the hook on the pole, and row back to shore.

One and done.

So my wife figured a Zebco was all the pole I'd need.

But I am intrigued by our area's new Bass Pro Shops.

There are so many gadgets to help you fish, it's a wonder they haven't invented something which convinces the fish to jump out of the lake, catch a cab to your house, and let themselves into your freezer.

But hey, why wait around in a boat and only catch one at a time? Why not depth charges?

"Oh yes, sir, we have that in our underwater explosives department. Aisle 8."

And what about a Zebco ...?

"Oh yes, sir, we have that in our children's department. Aisle 10."

Where are the little hot dog pieces you'd put on the end of a hook when you were a kid? You know, those hot dogs which your mom thought weren't good enough to eat any longer (how can you tell with a hot dog?) and would let you take to break up into bits for bait?

I grew up in an extra poor fishing family, which couldn't afford to fish with hot dogs, so we were forced to use hot dog bun pieces, the hot dog buns which had started to turn green in the kitchen cabinet. Unfortunately, once wet, those bun bits never stayed on a hook.

"Yes sir, we have green hot dog bun bits. Aisle 4."

If you're an outdoorsmen, Bass Pro Shops is sacred ground. They've got five brands of those things that no one else carries.

If you're not ... it's still pretty cool. The aquarium. The art. The replicas. The displays. The plane.

They have everything.

Well almost.

I'm still looking for a hook that fish can't swallow.

Editor Mikel LeFort can be reached at 253-5311 ext. 230 or e-mail mikel.lefort@lee.net